A521.4.3.RB_Subleties of Communication and Hidden Messages

I am a talker and have been for as long as I can remember but when I was younger I used to speak just as much with my body language as I did with my mouth. As I have gotten older I have learned how to control my body language and become equally as powerful with only my words.
Below is an example of where my body language misconstrued my message:

I recently had some issues with my supervisor; I suppose they were disconnects in our verbal exchange. During this particular situation I felt that I was being attacked and my message was not coming out the way I wanted it to. As direct as I can be at times I have to remember who I am speaking to; I find that not all people think of that and at times it can add to an already negative situation. When I felt attacked I was standing in my supervisor’s office with the door open and I didn’t need our conversation to be blasted for the rest of the department to hear. I decided it was the best option to shut the door so that the messages being expressed stayed between my supervisor and I; that wasn’t the best idea. My boss took that action as an attack on her and it just escalated the situation. These are times where both my body language and my message were going in two opposite directions. Maybe I shouldn’t have shut the door but I really didn’t know how else to keep the conversation private but also show that I wasn’t going to be made to look like a fool around my colleagues (especially since the situation was blown out of proportion by my supervisor). I guess this is an example of when I needed to bite the bullet and let my supervisor speak what she needed to and I go back to my office and not do it again (although for me that is not an easy task).

This situation also included issues related to the articulation, tempo and volume of my message. I find at times of heated conversations the people conversing often change the meaning of their message based on those factors. Now I will admit that to a fault my rhetoric can sound condescending even though I don’t want it to. Sometimes the passion in my message is projected in a negative way. I have a strong personality and when I want my message to be direct it isn’t directly related to the true meaning of my message.

In this particular situation I have been able to identify areas that need to be corrected. When I was working for another supervisor a few years back I had some of the same issues as described above but to a more heightened degree. Like I said I have a strong personality and so did my previous supervisor (also female). When I was younger I didn’t have a censor and at times things would just come out of my mouth and I didn’t realize who I was speaking to; I consider those learning experiences. From those learning experiences I have been able to modify my protection and I make sure that the message I am trying to express is being done so in a way that both people involved do not feel attacked.

I am firm believer that leadership styles are inherited from birth and polished along the course of a person’s life. Situations like the one stated above are a part of my polishing journey. A person must be faced with different situations and or scenarios in order to learn. I don’t like to necessarily pick out my flaws but without proper identification I cannot correct the problem. On a lighter note I can think of a time when I projected my message perfectly and was rewarded with a compliment from a fellow colleague of mine.

About a year ago we were having some parking issues and people had been complaining. I noticed that another Administrative Assistant was being too harsh towards those who were violating the new policy so I felt it was time that I took over especially since some of the violators were on my team. I spoke to a coworker and expressed the situation and encouraged him not to let it happen again. A neighbor to his work station turned around and asked me if I was ever planning on becoming a manager of some kind and I proceeded to tell him that I hoped to move up the management ladder. After I expressed my future career goals with him he said I would make a good manager because my tone and projection of my message was done so in a posed and diplomatic fashion. I have never forgotten that compliment and I think of when I know I am going to have to speak to others.

There will always be good and bad ways to handle different forms of communication and rhetoric, it is understanding how to correct the bad that will enhance the good.

A521.3.4.RB_Personal Reflection

I feel that there are multiples times in a person’s life when situations take place that have a formative impact on them. Below you will four examples of different situations that left a formative impact on my life.

Childhood
In the spring of 1991 my family was in the process of transitioning from living on a military base to a more civilian lifestyle. My father had just recently had knee surgery and we were renting a small house while ours was being built. I was roughly 4 going on 5 at the time and although I was very young this situation left a large impact on my life. There had been many home invasions and car break-ins taking place in the neighborhood and one day my mother’s car was broken into. As usual a police report was made and we went on with our lives. A few days later my father was coming home early and caught a burglar in our home and chased him through the woods; granted that wasn’t the smartest idea because he had recently had knee surgery but he did what he had to do to in order to protect his home. This situation has forever made me worry about that society in which we live in. Unfortunately times are changing and violence is growing. No longer is it the 1960s – 1970s where people didn’t lock their doors and lived by the motto of “love, peace and no war.’ Now that I currently reside by myself I find home security extremely important and I take all the necessary precautions to ensure my safety. This situation also impacted me in how I trust people; I am no longer willing to trust just anyone.

Adolescent
Starting at the age of 8 till I was 22 years old I struggled with my weight. People now call me “tiny” or “skinny” but many don’t realize that struggles I faced. I was always the “fat-friend” who was nerdy and liked school to a certain degree. My father always struggled with his weigh and my mother didn’t; I look like my mother (almost twins) but I am built like my dad. It wasn’t easy growing up and being teased all the time. If kids weren’t teasing me for my weight they teased me for the way I dressed. My family struggled at times and I wasn’t always the most fashionable but I had clothes and a loving family; the necessities were all that mattered to me. I am sharing this situation because it relates very much the “Ugly Duckling” story. Many kids and especially the guys of my class never paid any attention to me (and that’s okay because I liked girls but I digress); I surely wasn’t being asked to the Prom. As I grew up and became an adult suddenly the guys that picked on me are flooding out of the wood works. This situation proves that you should never judge a book by its cover because you never know what is really taking place inside. It wasn’t my time to shine in high school; I apparently was designed for something more special as I became a woman. This situation/story made me start seeing the problem or situation and not the person. I was judged for so long based on the way I looked and I don’t want others to feel that way; it does go both ways now as well. At one time in my life I was over looked for being unattractive and now because I am attractive people think I am just another pretty face – proving yet again you need to know the person, problem or situation and look past appearance.

Early Adulthood (college)
Micromanaging is one of the first styles of management I have ever had to endure. My first administrative job in higher education was the first job that taught me a lot about myself and how to handle micromanagers. In the summer of 2007 I started working as a Program Assistant for a grant at Hillsborough Community College and my boss was the poster-child of a micromanager; I could barely write and email without her reading it over my shoulder. It was terrible. There were countless days I just cried in the bathroom because I couldn’t understand how someone could treat their employee that way but in the same breathe talk about what a great Christian she was. This situation spanned over a ten month period of time. At the time of the conclusion of the grant I was let go; it was only a temporary position. That situation showed me that you will not always be able to make someone happy and mistakes will happen but it is how you handle yourself that truly matters. Now there were times that I did fight back and I stated my views because I was tired of being treated as a worthless-pee-on but this experience taught me a lot about professionalism. I learned that other colleagues of my boss were not impressed but her demeanor and that I was more posed than she was. It was a hard learning lesson and experience but it is something that will stick with me forever.

Early Adulthood (post-college)
Working with and for a team is extremely rewarding. I never imagined I would be working in higher education and loving every minute of it. Post-graduation from the University of South Florida in May of 2010 I took an Administrative Assistant position at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, Worldwide. Now I will be honest this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life as I aspire to be something more than that but taking this job meant I would  exposed  to the ins and outs of higher education from an administrative side which was an area I was dying to know more about. While working in this position I was asked by my boss, the Chief Technology Officer, if I would administer and manage the New Programs & Partnerships Meeting. When I was asked to do this I didn’t know how many conversations had taken place a head of time and how many people said that they knew I could do this. It was the first meeting when I found all of this information out and it has forever changed me. For one I know that there are people who feel as though my work is exceptional and I can handle big projects and meetings. When this decision was made I had only worked for the university for 6 months proving even more so that I was being supported from all areas of leadership.

There will always be times or stages in a person’s life when they will be impacted by a situation. Above are 4 different situations and or stories and how they impacted me life not only then but now as well.

A521.2.3.RB_Danger of Stories

Storytelling has been around for centuries and at times it is all that we know of our past but unfortunately single stories have the ability to dictate human emotions both negatively and positively. Adichie discusses the danger of the single story which is present in all countries and cultures; no one is exempt from it. In her message it is clear how people, including myself do not realize how powerful those single stories can potentially become.

The stories that Adichie shares demonstrated how a single story can affect anyone at any age. Her description of the books she read as a child and how they in turn affected what she wrote about gives a new meaning to the way we interpret what we know and or have learned and it also solidifies how impressionable people can be.

I believe the messages that Adichie presented are powerful. I too have been on both the receiving end of a single story as well I have been painted into a bad light from a single story. Below is an example of how single stories have affected me personally and what motivates me to teach and educate others.

Since the age of 16 I have been open about my sexuality. I came out to my parents and I was not necessarily embraced with all the love in the world. It took time for my family to come around to who I am and I had to prove that I was still worthy of everything this world had to offer. Over the years my mother has come to love and embrace me more than anyone ever could but it was a struggle. After the battle of Stonewall in the 1950s the homosexual community was finally trying to portray a better portrait for society but the community took a major setback when homosexuality was casted into a negative light in the 1980s when the AIDS virus became increasingly more popular amongst gay men. Single stories swanned such as “all gay men have unprotected sex” or “only gays get AIDS because God doesn’t approve of them.” This negative connation inspired these single stories all across the world. This idea that all homosexuals were promiscuous and had AIDS became the topic of dinner tables and young gay men and women were forced back into the closet. These single stories also produced a generation filled with hate and many young gay men and women committed suicide when the stories became too much. I grew up the south and you were not come out about being gay/lesbian and it was common that people went away to “camps” when they did come out. These camps were to fix the problem and bring the person back to the heterosexual side of the sexuality spectrum (if it could be that easy or as if it was a choice). All of the stories starting from the Bible up through the 1950s with Stonewall and then to the 1980s bred hatred about a community that like everyone else just wanted equality, love and the ability to live their lives peacefully. It has been an interesting experience for me in that I don’t look like what people would think a typical lesbian should look like. I get my hair and nails done, I wear makeup and I love heels so more commonly than not I can stand amongst a group of people and listen to their take on the community I associate with without them ever knowing who I am. I have heard the stories that have been shared amongst families and I see the new stories being created. It is sad that at the time we are in we still feel as though people should be painted into a certain idea or box.

I shared this story because I feel that even I am affected by single stories. I too have made judgments about people from what I have learned or heard about. I hear it more commonly than not, “I want to make the decision for myself…” but I think it is hard at times to clear the fogginess of what we have learned and make clear value-less judgments based on nothing we have heard or learned before. Just like my story robs me of my dignity, other stories I have learned about also rob others of theirs. In order to breed a world filled with understanding, love and acceptance we have to be careful of the stories we share and persona we put out into the world. Just like Adichie said, not all of Africa is just animals, poverty and AIDS but if we continue to state that as the truth, at someone point we will create a reality with those single stories.

A521.1.4.RB_Stories in Your Organization

The stories I am going to examine are from a different perspective. Due to the nature of the organization I work for I am heavily influenced by both faculty and students. The culture of my organization is centered around educational excellence and the experiences we can provide as an institution of higher learning. What we do now to help students will only further the foundation and culture of the institution.

I have worked in higher education going on 5 years now and I think I have heard every excuse from students that can be told (and some of the stories can be rather entertaining and others are heart wrenching). There are not too many stories that go on in my field of work asides from the excuses we hear from students. The jobs completed by the faculty and staff are heavily influences by our students. I can sympathize with students but I don’t necessarily agree with what they are saying. My journey in my career field started when I was student so I have the ability to understand where the student is coming which enables me with ability to have the student think of the same story they were sharing in different ways.

More commonly than not the story always started with, “I cannot return to school because…” Right there I find myself stopping the student in mid-sentence and I ask them to think about what they are saying; do they really believe that to be true? After I do that I am given a list of reasons why they feel it is a true statement. Believe me I have heard all the stories in the book about how they cannot afford to go to school or they have time constraints but their stories lack many different elements. I understand that finding additional time for school is hard especially when you are a parent returning to school and trying to raise a family but excuses do not fix the overall problem. I find some of the stories to be cop-outs or an escape goat. Life is full of challenges but if you are going to tell me a story giving me meaning. I have a tendency to think students who know they are going to want to withdrawal from school because of time, money or level of difficulty have these situations mapped out in their minds but when it comes time to execute their plan they look like little puppy dogs with their tails between their legs.

Working in education I know that as an organization we want to provide as many avenues as possible to help students get the best education money can offer. I think of our students as customers and we are the service they are seeking. I focus on keeping things simple and customer focused. If we allowed every student to tell their story and let them leave without addressing the situation then we are failing the student and I don’t mean academically. Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University has a reputation for educational excellence; we would not still a leading competitor in higher education learning if we didn’t want to help our students succeed. With that being said we cannot save every student and at times we have to listen to the stories being told, provide the student options and allow the student to make the final decision.

I think smaller stories that go on within our organization stem from the moments where we can save a student from leaving and see them finish their goal. Those pivotal moments in a student’s educational career is what helps show others they can do it too. At one point in my career I answered the Information Center phone line and I can vividly remember a student who wanted to leave because he was frustrated with the system. As an institution we were able to see to it that they student received everything they needed for success and ultimately that student graduated which goes to show if we stick to what we know and execute our jobs correctly we can success stories and those stories can go on to inspire others.

Whether we are able to help a student or lose a student the stories that spawn from those situations are what helps to bring the organization closer. I like to think of those stories as the building blocks because each time we learn something new or make a process easier we are laying a newer and better framework for the organization. Stories are born on a daily basis as the start from a certain situation taking place; what we do with those stories (or how we use them) ultimately influences our organizational culture.

A520.9.5.RB_Power

Power = a possession of control (organizationally based), authority (manager or leader), or influence over others (hierarchy). This small word packs a heavy punch when it is used incorrectly or abusively. When I started my career I wanted to be powerful and I thought it would be hard for me being a woman in this cut-throat dog-eat-dog world but I quickly realized that my personal ability to stay calm under pressure, reframe from jumping to conclusions and addressing the problem (not the people involved) has enabled me to establish a small sense of power in the position I am in now. It is a nice feeling when people come and open up to you because they trust you and know that you are there to help not just listen. I think having trust and the ability to influence people is important when properly executing power but it has to be done correctly. Business Ethics was a class I really enjoyed and I still try to read books and articles designed around what is changing in the business ethics world and what I have noticed if you treat your employees and colleagues like people you are more likely to get a better response from them. I am from the south and my mother used to always tell me, “You will catch more flies with honey rather than vinegar.”

Table 5.4 Characteristics of Likeable People is almost designed specifically for me. I feel that in order to be a good, strong and successful leader you need to embody the characteristics depicted in the table.

1.      Support an open, honest and loyal relationship

    Trust is formed and maintained when both people feel a sense of support, honesty and loyalty.

2.      Foster intimacy by being emotionally accessible

    Others want to feel as though you are emotionally available to them when they need you.

3.      Provide unconditional, positive regard and acceptance

    Being positive attracts people, negativity detracts people

4.      Endure some sacrifices if the relationship should demand them

    A give and take relationship shows flexibility; leaders must be flexible

5.      Provide social reinforcement in the form of sympathy

    Although you may not always understand what is the other person is going through, reinforce their decisions with a sense of sympathy; this will help establish a bond

6.      Engage in the social exchanges necessary to sustain a relationships

    Continuing a constant exchange of communication helps to continue the growth process in a relationship; maintenance

Managing a relationship with your boss is not always an easy task but it is necessary. I have worked for a few bosses who were almost impossible to get along with and there were days where tears were shed out of pure frustration. According to Table 5.5, Managing the Relationship with Your Boss, making sure you understand and apply the following will ensure a better working environment and relationship.

Make sure you understand your boss, including:

1.      Your boss’s goals and objectives

    Enables both people to understand the purpose of the working relationship

2.      The pressures on him or her

    Respect their pulls and restraints for others and be respectful of it

3.      Your boss’s strengths and weaknesses, blind spots

    Understanding your boss, where can you help and what areas you should always let them lead

4.      His or her preferred work style

    Sets expectations of what is expected from their subordinates

Asses yourself, including:

5.      You own strengths and weaknesses

    How can your own strengths and weakness assist in daily tasks and projects for your position and your boss

6.      Your personal style

    Know your style and be self-aware

7.      Your predisposition toward dependence on authority figures

    Understand you role in the organization and know the boundaries

Develop and maintain a relationship that:

8.      Fits the needs and styles of you both

    Establish a relationship that plays on both strengths and weaknesses

9.      Is characterized by mutual expectations

    Know what is expected from you as the subordinate and your supervisor

10.  Keeps your boss informed

    Never leave your boss out of the dark it will eliminate conflict and friction

11.  Is based on dependability and honesty

    Continue to build on the relationship and maintain a good disposition within the organization

12.  Selectively uses your boss’s time and resources

    Do not waste your boss’s time and never abuse resources that are provided to you

I believe that power can be used and abused but when it is used properly and effectively it has the ability to evoke change and growth in any organization. The bond and relationship between boss and subordinate is essential, once the foundation is in place it will need to be maintained, never abused or misused.